bitterness.....and joy

I found this post in my drafts folder.  It's from many, many months ago.  I never had the courage to actually post it.  I am now.....

Do you ever look at your life and feel so angry and bitter that you don't know what to do with yourself?  That's how I've been feeling lately.  What happened to me?  I used to be so sure of who I was and what I was doing.  Now I just feel like a big fat failure.  In all my endeavors.  My skills as a wife and mother are poor at best.  I have no idea how to be a good friend because I have had bad experiences with that part of life.  And I have trust issues. My church calling is a joke....I am not doing well at that either.  I am a horrible example.  I spent my whole life doing what I was supposed to and being responsible.  BOOOOOO!!  So boring and now I'm restless.  I can't teach my kids how to have fun, cause I don't know how.  Why am I stuck here making everyone's life miserable?!  (At least the people I care about)  I can't handle criticism very well, I put up protective walls any time I feel threatened.  My husband constantly thinks I hate him.  So, obviously I can't love right either.  Why did God put me here with these people?  I can honestly understand why some people turn their backs on their families and walk away.  It would be much easier in some ways.  But then I think about what that would do to my kids and how they wouldn't understand.  It would screw them up even more than I have already.  I wouldn't want them to think I didn't love them.  It's just sometimes, I feel like somebody else could do a way better job.  They say God doesn't make mistakes, but it's either that or he has a terrible sense of humor.And then I get done with my tirade and feel really guilty that I am so ungrateful.  There are so many people in the world that have far worse problems than mine. I deserve to be struck down, but I know that's not going to happen cause that would be too easy!


I don't feel this way anymore.  Life is good.  What changed?   Through prayer and my sister, I came across a book.   The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.   It changed my life!!!   I feel.........great!  My marriage is the best it has ever been!  The book taught me how to properly love my husband, to understand my husband, to understand myself.  The world has a different view of womanhood and marriage than God does.  We are created a certain way and we are meant to do certain things.  When we fight against that and try to be/do differently, we are unhappy.  I am a woman.  I am created to nurture my family, take care of them.  I am happiest when I am doing that.  I think I was always trying to hide my feminism, what made me a woman (not physically, but emotionally and spiritually).  I would have thoughts and feelings that coincided with being a woman and they would make me angry because the world says its not right for women to be in the home taking care of our families, our husbands.  We have to be strong and tough.  We need no man!  But the truth is, we do....I do.  I need my strong husband to take care of me.  I need him to love me and provide for me.  I, in turn, will take care of him the way he needs me to (now I am talking physically...and emotionally). We are different, but equal.  We need each other.  I have strengths and qualities he needs.  He has strengths and qualities I need.  Now I am trying to be strong in a different way.  I show my strength and value as a woman by taking care of my home and family....and I feel fulfilled in a way I have never known.  I am happier than I ever remember being.  And my husband is happier.  He told me that our relationship is finally the way he has dreamed it would be. We still disagree, but there isn't nearly the amount of anger and resentment that there was.  He is my knight and he slays "dragons" for me everyday by going to work at a job where he is treated like crap....I am his damsel.  We take care of each other in the ways that we need.  I put him first and he puts me first.  That is the way it was meant to be.  Life is good! 

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that loves and knows me so well.  Who wants me to be happy and knows what will get me there. 

My whole world

traumatic christmas memories

Holy Cow, it has been a long time! 

I was so excited this Christmas because Matt and I decided to splurge and get a trampoline for our new backyard (we moved in October).  We used to have one and then it busted.... and then busted some more.... and some more.... until it was not useable.  The kids were sad....and bored....and having more screen time.  So, we decided to get another.  I thought it would be better to set it up Christmas Eve, so they could see it put together Christmas morning instead of having to wait.   We thought we could be sneaky enough that we wouldn't have to wait until they were totally asleep.  Brooklyn is a night owl and a sort of insomniac. We were tired and already wanting to go to bed.  So, we decided not to wait.  Our bedroom has a door to the backyard, so we locked our inside bedroom door and went out to the backyard.  We got all of the parts out of the garage (I know....we have a garage, now!!!  So excititng!!!  We love our new house!) successfully, but when we started putting things together, Matt noticed little heads peeking out of the blinds in Simeon's room.  SHOOT!!  Matt told me to go back in to calm them down, cause they were probably freaking out.  What do I say?!  He said tell them that he was gonna go check on it and tell the people to leave.  So I ran through the shadows back to our door, quietly opened then closed it, frantically tossed boots, hat, coat, etc, off of me and then I hear knocking. 

"Yes?"  trying desperately not to sound as if I just ran through the backyard.

Brooklyn says, "There's some people in the backyard!"

I tell her that Dad will check and don't worry, she can go back to bed.  I throw my stuff back on, run again through the shadows to tell Matt that I think we should move to the other side of the yard.  The kids are still peeking.  He tells me to go back in and get them away from the window.  HOW???  So I run back through the shadows, in the door, throw my stuff off, and try to calm my breathing as I walk to Simeon's bedroom.  I start trying to calm them.  No big deal, Dad's taking care of it, probably just some people that used to know the previous owners, stop looking out the window, get back to bed.  They seemed to calm down, and as we are talking, Brooklyn peeks out the window again, quickly jerks back and says, "It looks like a trampoline!  The guy shined the flashlight right in my face, that was creepy!"  I thought, "Oh great!!"  Then Simeon starts to silently cry.....I am talking big crocodile tears.  "What's wrong?!" I ask. 

"I'm just afraid they are going to cut off Dad's head."   What kind of imagination does this kid have?!  What kind of shows has he been watching?!!?  I need to pay closer attention, I guess!  I hug him and tell him that isn't going to happen.  Dad will be just fine.  He is still upset, I tell the girls to go back to their room, and start rocking Simeon.  He is still upset and wanting to say a prayer for Dad.  Brooklyn comes out all excited and says, "I think I know why you didn't want us looking out the window," with a big smile on her face.  Darn it!! I motion for her to keep her mouth shut and I call Matt's cell so I can show Simeon that Dad is ok.   Matt didn't answer his phone.  Great!  So I go outside again and call him in to calm Sim down.  He comes in and tells Simeon it's just him out there, he had to check on some things.  Great.  Simeon says, "but I saw two people."  So Matt tells him it was me and Matt out there.  Double Great.  Now he knows I was lying.  Simeon finally calms down, and we go back out.  We finish putting up the trampoline, Brooklyn and Glory watching the whole time out the window.  Matt said I am a terrible liar.  :0)

So, in our efforts to have a big surprise for the kids, we managed to traumatize our littlest and ruin the surprise for two of the others.  But, what memories they will have of the year Simeon thought Dad was gonna get his head chopped off because we had "strangers" in the yard!  We did end up letting Simeon know this morning that it was us setting it up.  Genesis did have a surprise,  she was sleeping the whole time!  I asked the kids why they looked out the window in the first place and Glory said she wanted to see how dark it was cause she knew it was close to midnight. What luck.   :0)

Good times.....good times!

Did you know:

Matt is the new ward mission leader.

Genesis is getting glasses.

Simeon and Glory changed schools (because we moved.....Simeon's teacher was so sad!).

Brooklyn is in honors math and science this year.