bitterness.....and joy

I found this post in my drafts folder.  It's from many, many months ago.  I never had the courage to actually post it.  I am now.....

Do you ever look at your life and feel so angry and bitter that you don't know what to do with yourself?  That's how I've been feeling lately.  What happened to me?  I used to be so sure of who I was and what I was doing.  Now I just feel like a big fat failure.  In all my endeavors.  My skills as a wife and mother are poor at best.  I have no idea how to be a good friend because I have had bad experiences with that part of life.  And I have trust issues. My church calling is a joke....I am not doing well at that either.  I am a horrible example.  I spent my whole life doing what I was supposed to and being responsible.  BOOOOOO!!  So boring and now I'm restless.  I can't teach my kids how to have fun, cause I don't know how.  Why am I stuck here making everyone's life miserable?!  (At least the people I care about)  I can't handle criticism very well, I put up protective walls any time I feel threatened.  My husband constantly thinks I hate him.  So, obviously I can't love right either.  Why did God put me here with these people?  I can honestly understand why some people turn their backs on their families and walk away.  It would be much easier in some ways.  But then I think about what that would do to my kids and how they wouldn't understand.  It would screw them up even more than I have already.  I wouldn't want them to think I didn't love them.  It's just sometimes, I feel like somebody else could do a way better job.  They say God doesn't make mistakes, but it's either that or he has a terrible sense of humor.And then I get done with my tirade and feel really guilty that I am so ungrateful.  There are so many people in the world that have far worse problems than mine. I deserve to be struck down, but I know that's not going to happen cause that would be too easy!


I don't feel this way anymore.  Life is good.  What changed?   Through prayer and my sister, I came across a book.   The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.   It changed my life!!!   I feel.........great!  My marriage is the best it has ever been!  The book taught me how to properly love my husband, to understand my husband, to understand myself.  The world has a different view of womanhood and marriage than God does.  We are created a certain way and we are meant to do certain things.  When we fight against that and try to be/do differently, we are unhappy.  I am a woman.  I am created to nurture my family, take care of them.  I am happiest when I am doing that.  I think I was always trying to hide my feminism, what made me a woman (not physically, but emotionally and spiritually).  I would have thoughts and feelings that coincided with being a woman and they would make me angry because the world says its not right for women to be in the home taking care of our families, our husbands.  We have to be strong and tough.  We need no man!  But the truth is, we do....I do.  I need my strong husband to take care of me.  I need him to love me and provide for me.  I, in turn, will take care of him the way he needs me to (now I am talking physically...and emotionally). We are different, but equal.  We need each other.  I have strengths and qualities he needs.  He has strengths and qualities I need.  Now I am trying to be strong in a different way.  I show my strength and value as a woman by taking care of my home and family....and I feel fulfilled in a way I have never known.  I am happier than I ever remember being.  And my husband is happier.  He told me that our relationship is finally the way he has dreamed it would be. We still disagree, but there isn't nearly the amount of anger and resentment that there was.  He is my knight and he slays "dragons" for me everyday by going to work at a job where he is treated like crap....I am his damsel.  We take care of each other in the ways that we need.  I put him first and he puts me first.  That is the way it was meant to be.  Life is good! 

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that loves and knows me so well.  Who wants me to be happy and knows what will get me there. 

My whole world