Originally posted on February 7, 2019
4:40am Alarm goes off. I hit snooze for 5 more minutes of coveted sleep but then notice a late night text from the mother of the 2 little boys that I watch in the mornings before school. It's a late start due to the snow, can I watch them the extra 2 hours before school starts? I respond yes then get up. My mind is awake already, so why not?
4:45am I feed the cats. I make and pack a to-go breakfast and lunch plus snacks for my dear husband that works 12+ hours a day. I am appreciative of him and all he sacrifices to provide for us. I know it's hard on him. Hard on his mind and on his body.
5:10am I kiss Husband goodbye. I enjoy the 2-minute hug, it's practically the only time we have alone. I start on cleaning the kitchen. The counters are covered in crumbs, caked on food, and dirty dishes. The sink is full of the same. I wonder why I can't seem to keep up on the dishes and why nobody in the house can clean up after themselves. I don't want to go down that dark path so I remind myself that I'm a busy wife and mother and it's more important to spend time with my kids than to have a spotless kitchen. I will eventually get it cleaned, it will just take me all week. I vow to spend less time on my phone and prioritize my time better.
6:00am Go back to bed, then remember it's a late start. I should do my stretches/exercises for my uterine prolapse and get dressed since I won't have time after the boys get here. I battle thoughts about why I haven't been doing my exercises then vow to do better. All I can do is move forward. No use dwelling on past mistakes. I exercise/stretch and get dressed while watching Supernanny on YouTube. I admit that I am a little obsessed with this show.
6:50am Boys arrive in a whirlwind and mess, dropping their things everywhere. My Boy wakes up. I make breakfast. Daughter 2 wakes up.
7:00am Do another load of dishes. Daughter 3 wakes up. I can tell she's not in a good way. She's been doing so well lately but I know a new quarter started in school, which means a new class. PE. She hates anything physical, especially being graded on it. Yesterday she expressed her frustration with that class. We're only 2 days in. I hope today will be good for her.
7:30am I remember the clothes in the washer and hope they haven't soured. I empty the dryer and start a new load. No souring, thank goodness!
7:35am I fold newly washed towels/sheets. Daughter 3 comes in...still in pjs and wrapped in a blanket. Uh-oh. We discuss the possibility of her staying home because she doesn't feel well. I try to determine what she means so I ask what is going on. She says she doesn't feel up to going today. I think, "I got this! I'm feeling good, had a productive morning so far. I can handle a little worry drama." I tell her she can do it, that it's important to keep trying. She can't stay home. I tell her it's probably just her anxiety about PE. She leaves in a semi-huff after telling me it's not anxiety.
8:00am I now realize I am hungry so I eat a quick bite of cereal while studying scriptures.
8:10am I haven't seen Daughter 3 in a while. Is she dressed? Did she go back to bed? I go to her room to check and hold back frustration at seeing her still in pjs, wrapped in a blanket. Silent pep talk for myself...I can do this! I can be patient. She is having some anxiety right now. Be understanding but encouraging. I tell her again she has to go to school, to get up and get dressed. She can do this.
8:30am Daughter 3 is still not dressed. She starts crying and says she can't do it. I let her know she just has to get out of her head and start doing. "Start small....put your pants on. You got this! You are smart, strong, and capable. I love you. " I close the door and hope she does it, but I'm doubtful. Too many past experiences indicate this is going to be a battle and I will probably give up and let her stay home....again. But how can you make a teenager get dressed and go to school?! I quickly have a mental debate on what to do.
8:40am 5 mins until the bus. Daughter 3 comes out of room dressed! Success! I am happy and a little shocked but so proud of her! I know it's hard and she felt the debilitating crush of her anxiety today but she pushed through it. She seems ok, not sullen. I am hopeful for her day.
8:50am Extra boys are now bored because my Boy is gone. Try to get them to do something...game, movie, art, play outside, etc. They don't want any of it. Another silent pep talk for myself.
9:00am Boys decide to go outside to play. I do another load of dishes. Daughter 1 wakes up. It's her birthday! I wish her a happy birthday. We celebrated a few days earlier but I know she's a little sad that we aren't doing anything today and that she has to work. She doesn't know about the surprise I have in store for her later. We talk about her sadness and the cause of it.
9:15am Boys come in because one of them got hurt. I fetch ice and text his mom. I fix them up with hot chocolate and a movie then fold and put away more clothes.
9:55am Take boys to the bus stop. I remember the efforts of Daughter 3 in going to school and decide I should write her a note telling her how proud I am of her.
10:05am Arrive back home, talk with Daughter 1. I make second breakfast because she is hungry and the cereal didn't last long in my belly. We discuss her sadness. Where is it coming from? We make a plan to go forward, to push through. Exhaustion is starting to set in. I want to cozy up with a blanket and watch a movie.
10:30am I remember I was supposed to call the DOL with questions. I make the call. The lady was not helpful.
10:45am I receive multiple messages from my sister about spending time together, and from my brother about his wife's surgery that had complications. I want to go with my sister but I feel the pull to be at home with my kiddos. Is that healthy? I should want to be away, right? I need to cultivate other relationships, right? I work in the kitchen a little more.
11:30am Daughter 1 gets frustrated with her hair as she is getting ready for work. Another meltdown. I battle frustration and exhaustion. She battles her own frustration, why does she get upset over seemingly insignificant things? I hear her sobbing in her room and possible slapping sounds. It makes me so sad but I can't get up and go to her. I just can't. I am already so very exhausted and it's not even lunchtime. I feel guilty. I try to convince myself to go to her then my phone rings. It's my husband.
11:45am We discuss mental illness, therapy, and money. I feel like that's all we ever talk about. I worry about our relationship when the kids are gone. I know there is more to life than money and mental illness but it feels like there isn't.
12:30pm Daughter 1 comes in, red-faced, wanting to talk. She feels guilty because she thinks I am so sick of all the drama and her negativity. I can see the shame and pain in her eyes. I immediately feel guilty and shame for my lack of energy. I tell her yes, I am tired, but I love her. We talk about what is causing this recent meltdown. Life is made of trials but we have to do our best to find the joy. I try to take my own advice because I am having a difficult time finding the joy in my day. I tell her to go pray, do her affirmations, and write down 3 gratitudes. I desperately want to take a nap. I have the beginnings of a headache.
1:00pm Daughter 1 comes back in feeling a bit better. It's almost time for her to leave and she needs food. Food tends to help prevent her health anxiety and helps her mood. It's her birthday and I want her to be happy, so I offer to make her lunch. I am so tired and really just want a movie and/or a nap. Daughter 3 texts about wanting different pants for PE. She already has pants for PE but she doesn't feel cute in them and I feel terrible saying no. Her appearance triggers her social anxiety, money triggers my husband's anxiety. I feel so torn. I don't know what to do.
1:30pm Lunch is over, Daughter 1 is off to work. I sigh in relief. I have the house to myself at last. I love my kids, so much it hurts sometimes and I have enjoyed spending extra time with my daughter before she leaves for college, but.....man they are exhausting sometimes.
2:00pm I receive a phone call from Daughter 2. She is excited about her competition scores. She is so happy and I can tell she is smiling. I'm glad. After the phone call, I receive a text from my husband. It's a link to a mental illness article. A new one, that we haven't discussed before. He wants to know..."Is this me?" It sounds a little like him, but I don't know. My brain hurts and I am starting to really feel the mental strain of the day.
2:40pm The kids come home. My time alone is short lived. They all seem happy and that makes me happy. Daughter 3 is full of smiles and funny stories. I am so glad! I remember the note I wanted to write and berate myself for not remembering earlier. My words and a hug will have to suffice. I wanted her to know I was thinking of her during the day.
2:45pm Daughter 3 is in tears. I am confused. What happened? She doesn't know, she had a bad day. I am still confused. What happened to the smiley, laughing girl from 5 minutes ago? I notice my Boy...playing a game on his iPad. He knows the rules. No games before chores and homework. I feel frustration. He doesn't listen and thinks he can get away with anything. He kind of can...He is my last and I am a tired momma.
3:00pm Daughter 3 tells me that she thinks she had a small panic attack at school. She almost had to go to the bathroom to cry. My heart hurts. Poor girl!
3:30pm I get an email about my Boy's class field trip coming up. They want chaperones. I'm not going to do it. I went on all of the field trips for my girls. I feel guilty. I should go. I know I would have fun and he would like me there but I can't do everything and this is one thing I can say no to. It still hurts...not being superhuman. Sometimes I wish I was. But right now, I want my sanity more. He will appreciate my sanity more.
3:45pm Kids are doing their chores. They are very helpful in that regard. I am grateful. I take a minute to figuratively pat myself on the back. I can take partial credit for that. I have good kids.
4:00pm Time to get balloons and go to Daughter 1's work to fill her car with them so she feels loved on her birthday. It's been a rough day for her. And it's something the other kids and I can do for her together. She likes surprises.
5:00pm We arrive at Daughter 1's work. She steps out the door as we pull into the parking lot. She sees us. Darn it! The surprise is ruined. We'll make the best of it. "Everybody duck and pretend she didn't see us." Everyone is giggling. She walks by the car and goes back inside, shaking her head and smiling at her ridiculous family. We rush out and fill her car up with balloons, laughing and having a good time, slipping on the ice. It's fun. We need more fun.
6:00pm We are stuck in traffic. Daughter 3 says she has decided she is going to set an after-school schedule for the things she wants to get done so she is more productive. We talk about her morning and how she just, all of a sudden, decided she wanted to go to school so she got up and got ready in record time. I am amazed by her and the progress she has made over the past 2 years. How she struggles but doesn't let her anxiety stop her. I am filled with love and pride.
6:30pm Everyone is hungry. I remember that my Boy has a band lesson at the house at 7pm. Shoot! Are we going to make it in time? I guess we'll pick up pizza on the way home and try to scarf it down before 7.
7:00pm We made it home in time! Husband is home a little early, waiting for us. So nice to have a few minutes with him before the band tutor arrives. I am so ready for bed.
8:00pm I work on my blog. I didn't have time to edit my friend's book. I feel a little bad that it is taking me so long. I should probably tell her that I can't do it anymore but I like it. I like being a part of something that is outside of myself and I like helping her. It makes me feel useful. Plus, I love books and I adore her. She's a fabulous writer. I will make time to work on it.
9:00pm Time for family scripture reading and prayer. Then off to bed. I can hear it calling my name. It has been calling to me for several hours and it is time for me to listen. Time for me to lay in my husband's arms until sleep takes over. I rest my mind and my body so I can do it all again tomorrow because I love these people and they are worth it.
Looking back on the day, I am filled with appreciation for my diligence and hard work. I can see the progress... in my kids, in the house, in our lives. I can't discount the little things that make us happy, the things that are good. We are doing well. We are filled with love for each other. God has blessed us with so much.
Overall, a good day.
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