I found some old posts on a different blog and decided to post them here to consolidate. This was originally posted on February 1, 2019.
My dear, sweet, loving, funny husband has suffered his whole life with anxiety and depression but was only diagnosed at 30. He also has chronic pain due to having metal rods put in his back to correct severe scoliosis. This happened when he was 16. Because he is practically a giant, he didn't fit on the surgery table. (He grew 3" after the surgery to make him 6'5" tall) This caused his nerves to get pinched in his hips which created a type of temporary paralysis in his legs. So at 16, he had to heal from back surgery and learn how to walk again. The doctors said he would never play basketball again, a game he loved. He proved them wrong and played again, but has been in chronic pain pretty much ever since. He hasn't let the pain stop him much but it is always a struggle.
About 2 years ago, he was in a car accident. It seemed minor, hardly any damage to his vehicle, but the results have been a little devastating. He was out of work for about a month and had so many medical appointments, we were quickly racking up the bills. One of his legs went numb and would go out occasionally causing him to lose his balance and stumble. It's been a bit scary seeing my big, strong husband having difficulties walking. He has always worried and stressed over how to take care of me and our 4 children but with the new physical challenges caused by the accident, it's been an even bigger stress. He is constantly worried about how much longer he will be able to perform his physical job as a truck driver. The insurance company still hasn't paid for all of his medical bills so we have the burden of $16,000+ hanging over our heads. We had to get a lawyer and have been dealing with depositions, arbitrations, and appeals. With his everyday battles with depression and anxiety and these extra worries added, it has been a lot to handle.
We have two daughters that also struggle with some anxiety issues. Debilitating social anxiety, health anxiety, and emetophobia. My husband struggles with the guilt of feeling like our daughters suffer because of him, that he passed on these mental illnesses. It pains him every time he sees them suffer.
It pains me every time I see him with this guilt.
When my husband is incapacitated due to the depression and anxiety, it falls on me to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I wonder who is going to pick up the pieces if I fall? So, I tell myself I HAVE to be strong. I CAN'T falter. I HAVE to keep going. There is nobody else but me. In the early years of our marriage, I wanted desperately to fix it. To fix him. And I tried. Oh boy, did I try! I am a fixer. I see opportunities for improvement and I fix it, which makes me a fabulous organizer but...
I can't fix this.
It is quite the head-spinning chaos when all three of my worry warriors are going at the same time. I feel like every which way I turn, I have someone to cheer on and help navigate this thing we call life; to help them find coping skills because I won't be here forever. I want them to be healthy, successful adults. My job as their parent is to teach them how to live on their own. I do a lot of figurative hand-holding and give a lot of pep talks.
It is mentally exhausting.
And sometimes I feel like my husband's parent as well, which can put a strain on our marriage. He relies on me too much, I think. How do I measure what each of us can handle and be ok with always picking up the extra? How do I know when to ask for more? Parental loads are not equal. Household loads are not equal.
Sometimes I feel like a single parent.
But how do I balance the loving and supporting without doing everything for him? How do I be ok when he just lets things go to the wayside? Especially when it affects me and the kids? How do I keep my cool and be understanding when he just can't function or he just can't find the energy to care? Sometimes I get angry....at him. He gets his feelings hurt but very rarely lashes out. He internalizes my anger and accepts it as evidence that he is worthless.
Then I feel like a terrible person.
And then there are the other two kids. The ones with normal stress levels. The ones that sometimes get forgotten because they can handle more things. The ones that feel they have to be in the background and can't ask for help because all of my time and energy is taken up by my worry warriors. The ones that don't have social and health anxiety and like to DO things and go places. The ones that lash out because they have been holding everything inside for too long? How do I help them be understanding and not resentful of their siblings? How do I let them know they are just as important? How do I give them what they need when my tank is running on fumes?
Sometimes I feel selfish.
So...
Why am I writing about all of this? You may have noticed that I have been inactive for quite some time. This is my daily life. Don't get me wrong...There are ups along with downs. We all love each other and are generally happy. We have been blessed as individuals and as a family.
But life is hard.
Everyone struggles but we do the best we can. The key is to find balance. Minimizing the chaos to help you through the down times/the stressful times. That will look different for everyone. For me, it looks like taking a step back and just doing the minimum that life requires. Leaning on God a little more. Speaking up a little more. Trying to let others in to help pick up the pieces when needed. Sometimes saying no. Trying to take time to take care of myself so I can keep going. Giving myself a little slack. If I fall, I will pick up the pieces and try again.
That is the most important thing....trying again. And again. And again. Maybe our tries are further and further apart but that's ok because we aren't perfect and our efforts may not be either, but the only failure is in giving up and never trying again.
Comments:
Comments:
I seriously love your family. You all have such a great sense of humor despite the struggles. There have been many times that someone in your family has lifted me up including you when life has felt like it was beating me down. This last year has been hard. Really hard. One of your girls recently sent me a “virtual hug” and it brought me to tears. I have struggled with depression, but mostly anxiety and so much of this rings true to me. So many times I have wished that there was more I could do to reach out and help your girls. They both (well really all 3) hold a special place in my heart. They are more amazing and special than they realize. They have impacted my life just by being who they are. Life is hard. But then I guess that’s the point. Love you guys!