Marriage

I stopped blogging for a long time (years) and then couldn't log back in to start up again. I kind of missed it. I recently figured out how to log back in (still not sure how, it was an accident that I'm grateful for). I spent the day re-reading my entire blog. Reminiscing about our life and feeling grateful for all of our experiences. I was sad when I reached the last entry and then I found this unpublished post from 2015. I decided to post it now in 2024:

My husband and I are attending a marriage class at church. There are couples from all backgrounds in that class with us. We have newlyweds, 30+year couples, 2nd marriages, and everything in between.  It's interesting to hear comments from everyone.  The other day, one of the newlywed couples said something like the class made them feel hopeless.  And they went on to say that being single isn't any fun. I think they got the wrong impression from the comments being made from us older couples. So.....I decided to sit down and write a response.  

 I can't speak specifically for everyone, but I don't think anyone in the class is saying they would rather be single, just that marriage is hard.  My life would be easier in some ways if I were single, but it would be way harder in other ways. In the early years of marriage, it seemed so easy.  We were in love and everything was wonderful all the time, even when they weren't, it seemed like they were.  As the years passed and we got more and more comfortable with each other and life got more complicated, so did our marriage. After a few years, we were in the trenches.  I started realizing things about myself that I didn't like.  Everyone has baggage and sometimes the contents of that baggage is not pretty.  It's hard to face alone, but sometimes harder to have someone you love and respect know all your deep, dark secrets...even secrets you didn't know you were keeping.  I was faced with being vulnerable ALL the time.  Life/Marriage got way harder before it got better, but as I learned and grew personally, my marriage grew stronger and morphed into something a whole lot different than those first years. I learned to stop blaming my husband for things and start looking inward at how I was behaving and making things worse.  I can't change anyone else but myself and my actions or reactions.  As I started looking at and treating him differently, he started treating me differently...or maybe just my perspective changed.  I learned to recognize the way he shows love and to stop comparing it to how other husbands show love (especially movie husbands). I learned to appreciate the little things and some things that seemed little to me at the time, but really are bigger than i thought, like my husband going to work each day, all day, so I could stay home with the kiddos. I never really thought that counted as an act of love, now I KNOW it is....it totally is!  He is my knight, slaying dragons every day for his princess and I am lucky to have him.

Now,  I love being married, especially married to my best friend, but that doesn't mean it's easy all the time.  Sometimes it is, but reality is...... marriage is hard sometimes....just like life.  There are times when you come across bumps in the road and you make it over just fine.  And other times, you come across bumps in the road and they seem so big you just want to give up.  That's life.  That's how we learn and grow, and better ourselves....the bumps.  So just like life, marriage is hard and it takes work.  But it is oh-so worth it! I love waking up to my best friend every morning.  I love having someone there for me always, through thick and thin.  I love being able to know I am  loved and cared for, no matter what stupid thing I say or do.  I love having someone that knows me inside and out and still adores me. I love having an equal partner that can share in the responsibilities of life, that can pick up the pieces when I just don't have it in me to do it anymore. I love having a cheerleader by my side telling me I can do anything.  I love having someone to talk to, when life gets rough or when life is euphorically happy, that understands. I love being able to see the good qualities of my partner in my children.  I love that I am taken care of in ways that I don't realize I need til it happens.  I love that there is somebody that sometimes knows me better than I know myself. I love that I can be myself without worry. I love having someone help me become better and constantly forgive me for my mistakes.  I love having inside jokes to laugh about with someone.  I love falling deeper in love every year. 

So, no...I would not like to be single again.  I have put too much work, effort and time into this relationship to want to start over. I have worked hard to build something this amazing.  But the key words are "work hard".  It has been work and at times I wondered if we were strong enough to do it.  But after 17 years, I know we can and I know it was worth it! I look back and wonder how I ever thought those first years were bliss....this, now, is bliss....this, now, is love. I look forward to the next years and wonder how my marriage can get any better, but it probably will, cause time and work and practice usually do that....make things better.

Now in 2024, with 3 adult children, one about to graduate high school, and 26 years of marriage under our belts, I can say the bumps are still happening, but so are the blessings and the joys. At times it feels too hard, but we have made it this far and I am grateful for our journey and the growing we both have done (together and individually). Today I can confidently say that it has been worth it and I love Matt more (and deeper) today than I did 26 years ago. Here's to the next 26! I love you, Matt! ❤️

sweet kids

I have sweet kids.  Genesis came up to me one day and said, "Mom, I have to tell you something funny.  Every once in awhile I read through the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet, just to keep it fresh in my mind, and....."  I don't really remember what the funny part of the story was because I was so impressed that she occasionally reads through the pamphlet to "keep it fresh in her mind"!  How amazing is that?!?  I don't know whether to be proud of her or humbled by her.  Maybe a bit of both.  She is definitely way better than I am, which I think is every mothers dream....to have her children turn out better than herself.  She definitely has an understanding of what's important.  Her newest obsession is Studio C (a comedy show on BYU TV).  She is constantly quoting them!

Simeon said to me today (during a conversation with Genesis about guns and gun control), "Mom, if you were gonna get hit by a bullet, I would step in front so you wouldn't get hurt....I don't want to get hit by a bullet, but I would do it."  How sweet is that?!  He was so serious about it too.  So sincere.  It's interesting that he understands already that his role is the protector.  He amazes me.  He is still very much into video games and would rather do that than almost anything else.  His newest obsession is Skylanders.

Glory is so good at sharing.  She is constantly sharing her candy with everybody.  Even if her sisters aren't around at the time, she wants me to save some for them.  She has really gotten into reading since she got her glasses.  Lately she has been devouring Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. She is really enjoying them and her glasses make reading so much easier for her.  Not as many headaches now.

Brooklyn recently acquired a telescope and loves looking at the moon.  She loves science and loves to see how things work.  One of her favorite shows is "How It's Made".  She is not one that has ever really wanted to read for pleasure, but Genesis finally convinced her to try out the Harry Potter series and she LOVED them.  She read the first book in less than 2 weeks..... a real accomplishment for her!  She has to read certain genres for her Language Arts class and can't wait until she gets a free choice month so she can read the next Harry Potter book.

I have sweet kids.  How did I get so lucky?

bitterness.....and joy

I found this post in my drafts folder.  It's from many, many months ago.  I never had the courage to actually post it.  I am now.....

Do you ever look at your life and feel so angry and bitter that you don't know what to do with yourself?  That's how I've been feeling lately.  What happened to me?  I used to be so sure of who I was and what I was doing.  Now I just feel like a big fat failure.  In all my endeavors.  My skills as a wife and mother are poor at best.  I have no idea how to be a good friend because I have had bad experiences with that part of life.  And I have trust issues. My church calling is a joke....I am not doing well at that either.  I am a horrible example.  I spent my whole life doing what I was supposed to and being responsible.  BOOOOOO!!  So boring and now I'm restless.  I can't teach my kids how to have fun, cause I don't know how.  Why am I stuck here making everyone's life miserable?!  (At least the people I care about)  I can't handle criticism very well, I put up protective walls any time I feel threatened.  My husband constantly thinks I hate him.  So, obviously I can't love right either.  Why did God put me here with these people?  I can honestly understand why some people turn their backs on their families and walk away.  It would be much easier in some ways.  But then I think about what that would do to my kids and how they wouldn't understand.  It would screw them up even more than I have already.  I wouldn't want them to think I didn't love them.  It's just sometimes, I feel like somebody else could do a way better job.  They say God doesn't make mistakes, but it's either that or he has a terrible sense of humor.And then I get done with my tirade and feel really guilty that I am so ungrateful.  There are so many people in the world that have far worse problems than mine. I deserve to be struck down, but I know that's not going to happen cause that would be too easy!


I don't feel this way anymore.  Life is good.  What changed?   Through prayer and my sister, I came across a book.   The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.   It changed my life!!!   I feel.........great!  My marriage is the best it has ever been!  The book taught me how to properly love my husband, to understand my husband, to understand myself.  The world has a different view of womanhood and marriage than God does.  We are created a certain way and we are meant to do certain things.  When we fight against that and try to be/do differently, we are unhappy.  I am a woman.  I am created to nurture my family, take care of them.  I am happiest when I am doing that.  I think I was always trying to hide my feminism, what made me a woman (not physically, but emotionally and spiritually).  I would have thoughts and feelings that coincided with being a woman and they would make me angry because the world says its not right for women to be in the home taking care of our families, our husbands.  We have to be strong and tough.  We need no man!  But the truth is, we do....I do.  I need my strong husband to take care of me.  I need him to love me and provide for me.  I, in turn, will take care of him the way he needs me to (now I am talking physically...and emotionally). We are different, but equal.  We need each other.  I have strengths and qualities he needs.  He has strengths and qualities I need.  Now I am trying to be strong in a different way.  I show my strength and value as a woman by taking care of my home and family....and I feel fulfilled in a way I have never known.  I am happier than I ever remember being.  And my husband is happier.  He told me that our relationship is finally the way he has dreamed it would be. We still disagree, but there isn't nearly the amount of anger and resentment that there was.  He is my knight and he slays "dragons" for me everyday by going to work at a job where he is treated like crap....I am his damsel.  We take care of each other in the ways that we need.  I put him first and he puts me first.  That is the way it was meant to be.  Life is good! 

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that loves and knows me so well.  Who wants me to be happy and knows what will get me there. 

My whole world

traumatic christmas memories

Holy Cow, it has been a long time! 

I was so excited this Christmas because Matt and I decided to splurge and get a trampoline for our new backyard (we moved in October).  We used to have one and then it busted.... and then busted some more.... and some more.... until it was not useable.  The kids were sad....and bored....and having more screen time.  So, we decided to get another.  I thought it would be better to set it up Christmas Eve, so they could see it put together Christmas morning instead of having to wait.   We thought we could be sneaky enough that we wouldn't have to wait until they were totally asleep.  Brooklyn is a night owl and a sort of insomniac. We were tired and already wanting to go to bed.  So, we decided not to wait.  Our bedroom has a door to the backyard, so we locked our inside bedroom door and went out to the backyard.  We got all of the parts out of the garage (I know....we have a garage, now!!!  So excititng!!!  We love our new house!) successfully, but when we started putting things together, Matt noticed little heads peeking out of the blinds in Simeon's room.  SHOOT!!  Matt told me to go back in to calm them down, cause they were probably freaking out.  What do I say?!  He said tell them that he was gonna go check on it and tell the people to leave.  So I ran through the shadows back to our door, quietly opened then closed it, frantically tossed boots, hat, coat, etc, off of me and then I hear knocking. 

"Yes?"  trying desperately not to sound as if I just ran through the backyard.

Brooklyn says, "There's some people in the backyard!"

I tell her that Dad will check and don't worry, she can go back to bed.  I throw my stuff back on, run again through the shadows to tell Matt that I think we should move to the other side of the yard.  The kids are still peeking.  He tells me to go back in and get them away from the window.  HOW???  So I run back through the shadows, in the door, throw my stuff off, and try to calm my breathing as I walk to Simeon's bedroom.  I start trying to calm them.  No big deal, Dad's taking care of it, probably just some people that used to know the previous owners, stop looking out the window, get back to bed.  They seemed to calm down, and as we are talking, Brooklyn peeks out the window again, quickly jerks back and says, "It looks like a trampoline!  The guy shined the flashlight right in my face, that was creepy!"  I thought, "Oh great!!"  Then Simeon starts to silently cry.....I am talking big crocodile tears.  "What's wrong?!" I ask. 

"I'm just afraid they are going to cut off Dad's head."   What kind of imagination does this kid have?!  What kind of shows has he been watching?!!?  I need to pay closer attention, I guess!  I hug him and tell him that isn't going to happen.  Dad will be just fine.  He is still upset, I tell the girls to go back to their room, and start rocking Simeon.  He is still upset and wanting to say a prayer for Dad.  Brooklyn comes out all excited and says, "I think I know why you didn't want us looking out the window," with a big smile on her face.  Darn it!! I motion for her to keep her mouth shut and I call Matt's cell so I can show Simeon that Dad is ok.   Matt didn't answer his phone.  Great!  So I go outside again and call him in to calm Sim down.  He comes in and tells Simeon it's just him out there, he had to check on some things.  Great.  Simeon says, "but I saw two people."  So Matt tells him it was me and Matt out there.  Double Great.  Now he knows I was lying.  Simeon finally calms down, and we go back out.  We finish putting up the trampoline, Brooklyn and Glory watching the whole time out the window.  Matt said I am a terrible liar.  :0)

So, in our efforts to have a big surprise for the kids, we managed to traumatize our littlest and ruin the surprise for two of the others.  But, what memories they will have of the year Simeon thought Dad was gonna get his head chopped off because we had "strangers" in the yard!  We did end up letting Simeon know this morning that it was us setting it up.  Genesis did have a surprise,  she was sleeping the whole time!  I asked the kids why they looked out the window in the first place and Glory said she wanted to see how dark it was cause she knew it was close to midnight. What luck.   :0)

Good times.....good times!

Did you know:

Matt is the new ward mission leader.

Genesis is getting glasses.

Simeon and Glory changed schools (because we moved.....Simeon's teacher was so sad!).

Brooklyn is in honors math and science this year.

everyone gets fat

We were driving in the car the other day and Simeon asks me, "Mom, do feet grow? Because my feet are bigger than when I was 3." I told him yes, that as we grow our body grows. Our elbows, noses, ears, cheeks, arms, tummies, legs.... He then says, "So, everybody gets fat?" I told him they don't get fat, but their body parts grow with them, so they fit together. "Mom, you're fat. But just a little bit." Well......thanks son! If that's not enough to get me working out, I don't know what is!

I AM FROM...

Genesis has been creating/writing an autobiography all year long for her Honors Language Arts class.  One of the things she was supposed to include is an "I Am From" poem about herself.  This is that poem...

I am from a serious childhood.  I was embarassed easily.

I am from playing barber shop with my sister, her with finger-sissors, me with real scissors.

I am from a real barber shop, my sister's hair needed fixing.

I am from being ashamed - I cut my sister's hair!

I am from my parents' laughter, learning to laugh at bad situations.

I am from Washington, a town called Enumclaw.

I am from "the little green booger house", my very first home.

I am from Texas, near a lake in Gun Barrel City.

I am from swimming in that lake, until a brain-eating bacteria killed a boy (we never went there again).

I am from a crispy fall morning, the smell of smoke in the air.

I am from Washington, a cool, green home.

I am from Texas, a warm, dry home.

I am from basketball, Saturdays and Wednesdays.

I am from a proud father, forcing me to play.

I am from a wonderful day, ice cream after a game.

I am from writing, creating stories from simple words.

I am from singing, raising my voice to the sky.

I am from dancing, no matter how ridiculous I look

I am from reading, going on adventures while relaxing on the couch.

I am from good friends, who act silly with me,

I am from dorky parents, who tease me all the time.

I am from a sweet little brother, who cares about me.

I am from little sisters, who I can share secrets with.

I am from kind grandparents, who spoil me rotten.

I am from friends and family, who matter.

I am from yummy, homemade dinners, like meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

I am from crepes, that only my dad can make.

I am from a family  of pigs - we eat a ton.

I am from a family of sugar-lovers, but we're trying to be healthier.

I am from good food.

I am from big yards and gravel roads, no kids my age around.

I am from grandma's beautiful, healthy garden, gorgeous in the spring.

I am from my mother's garden, drying , dead, withered.

I am from a trampoline, jumping, doing tricks.

I am from big yards, with trees and places to run.

I am from about fifty cousins, aging from early twenties to a few months.

I am from an alpacha, born on the day of one of our family reunions.

I am from a lightning storm in Oregon, I was done swinning for a while.

I am from pictures with my cousin, my sister ruined it.

I am from decorating the frame with little foam shapes.

I am from my mom's family, a very large and loving family.

I am from my dad's family, smaller, but no less loving.

I am from memories, experiences and people I love.

We are so proud of her!!  Maybe I'm biased, but I think it's really good!

Did you know that Simeon's new favorite thing to say is, "that's lame"?

Did you know that I was in charge of the decorations for our Stake Relief Society Women's Conference and it was one of the most stressful things I have ever done?

Did you know that Matt is a ward missionary and he loves it?

Did you know that Brooklyn wants to learn how to play tennis?

Did you know that Genesis is on the volleyball team for school and she is having fun?

Did you know that Glory is feeling lonely because Brooklyn and Genesis are getting too old to play the things they used to and Simeon is too young?

explosion and gratitude

I don't know if you know or have heard about Susan Powell. Her parents are in my parents ward. It's a heartbreaking story. Yesterday as we were getting in the car to go to church, we heard a giant BOOM! Scared Genesis to death. It rattled the windows. At the end of church, we found out that Josh Powell (the husband of Susan) was the cause of the explosion we heard. Apparently he lived in Graham. Who knew??!! He killed himself and his two kids. So sad!! (read the story) I am humbled. It makes me think how pitifully easy my trials are comparatively. It makes me grateful for my wonderful, loving husband and the gospel. What comfort it is to know that we can be with our families again....that families are forever. That Heavenly Father loves us and will bring us peace in times of heartache and trial, when we need it. My heart goes out to the Powells. May God grant them strength and peace!